Sometimes you just feel an underlying sadness. It is not predictable. It just shows up as a time to cry a little, to remember.

When I see parents with young children, it seems the same phrase keeps coming into my head , OH THEY have such a long way to go to freedom. So something tells me I do appreciate my freedom of not being a full time mother. I also feel so proud of myself for the way I did parent.

Now that I am further out from having her at home, I can reflect on the precious and difficult times of parenting.

I don’t want to be responsible for another life as often as I needed to be, and yet I love when she calls and when she comes home. Truth is, I am happy when she leaves. I feel the release. Like time for me, my old friend who had to wait while I again was traveling the parenting story. The transition for me is easier now. I don’t like doing the airport scene so I negotiated having the home and meal ready and then helping with the packing and send off from home. It works for all of us.

The little time we do get to talk, I like her stories and I like playing the role of support and listener with a few comments. It is just a way to connect and be with each other. It doesn’t really matter what we were talking about with each other. Hearing her voice, sounds corny, I know, brings a smile. And there are times I don’t want to be the responsible parent, like when she lost has something or the funds are low. The “I can’t find....would you look and see if I left it home?” Could you make me a dentist and hair appointment?”

What they most seem to want to talk about are their relationships at school. Believe in them. They need that from you.

Some kids don’t want to email or call much, so you can just honor their need for independence and trust that your relationship is still loving and connected.

They are tired with all the responsibilities and affects of the new environment. Their sleeping patterns change.

Time management, who to trust, new relationships, missing out on groups and parties, deadlines, more reading than ever before, weather changes and budgeting money in new ways. No car to get away for awhile. Loneliness and things not working like their phone, computer, etc.

Suggesting they get flu shots in health center with a friend, find out where counseling office is and maybe have an appointment. before they really need one… check in with their adviser by email if not office visit, develop resources on campus like career office and tutors. These are some ideas, but they may not want to do any “planning ahead.” They can fall and learn to pick themselves up again.

Initially, the kids talk about there being so many choices of clubs and things to join and do, that they feel pushed to do it all, and that isn’t possible. They don’t want to be left out, or miss out on some fun.

When she calls about relationship issues and asks what to do, I would say, so beam ahead and with that choice can you take the risk, and still know that you can handle the results, and be kind to yourself no matter how it works out… She says that helps, because it gets her in touch with what she can handle at that time. What she is imaging in her mind that could happen, and how she WOULD FEEL ABOUT that...sometimes passing on an experience is a wise decision. Opportunities will come around again and that is the inner trust they develop.

College is learning about relationships, different ways of thinking and feeling and possibilities of career and creativity… .growing up with more independence and responsibilities.

Roommate differences, talking it out, getting advice from RA and other friends, hanging in there, and then letting go and making a change, moving out...It happens and no you don’t have to fly there and help them move again...they do it.

They want to go home with a friend for the weekend and the parenting feeling comes up again, like the voice of: should she take a present, does she have enough money, do I know their name and phone number, who’s driving, and then you say STOP, she can figure it out. Don’t ask questions...she will probably have her cell phone if you really need to reach her...letting go AGAIN.

The Truth is THERE ARE NO RULES. There are moments and figuring it out as you are in it. You trust yourself and they learn to trust themselves. Let them fly, higher and freer.

Once, I was so grateful for the girls that are in her singing group, that I just didn’t know how to thank them besides telling them when I was with them. I felt they were like extended family to this new comer in their singing group. They were all ages. I admire them for the courage they have, to sing and perform, and dedicate themselves to three nights a week of practice...so I decided to send a box of See’s Candy lollipops for being so sweet to my daughter. Of course you can’t send something really fattening or that might not be considered a gift rather a curse.

I cry a little when she emails a photo of them performing and I missed it. That will happen often, so I tell myself I can’t be at all of the events, since she is 3000 miles away.... Some I will be able to see. And I have. Cried there too. So proud of her.

I often acknowledge her by saying: “I think that was so brave, how you handled that situation with that girl”, or “the way you processed that disappointment was so mature” just brief but specific love notes on the phone.

I remind myself “HOW WOULD I WANT TO BE SUPPORTED RIGHT NOW IF THIS WERE HAPPENING TO ME,” then I can drop into the listener and compassionate mom. That works for me.

I take her criticism of me in stride: like the time she said my emails had too many reminders in them, or that she knew I called, because she saw 1 missed message, so if she didn’t get back to me it’s because she can’t. That was good for me to hear and I honored it. Not a problem. Thanks for letting me know. If it is really important I will leave a message and say so. Not going for being right, going for having connections of trust and respect.

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